Three Beginnings

1. "The first words of a novel are supposed to be profound. And then you're supposed to speak on a 'down to earth' level. You know, to establish that you're intelligent but also accessible. And, hell, witty too. Everyone loves wit. It's the ." (I can't decide whether, at the time I wrote this, the empty space was intentional or not)


2. "There are good intentions. And there are good actions. But, unfortunately enough, the one does not necessitate the other. I would like to tell you that that is my story. That the intentions were good, just the actions were not. But that would dishonest. That would make me a would-be hero. And, believe me, I am far from a hero.

What I am, though, is a failure. For better or worse, I suppose, is your decision (although as you have probably already gleamed, I have a fair idea how that hammer shall fall). But I am, without a doubt, a failure.

But then, that's largely the point. You read about successes all the time. You see them in your films, on your TVs, in positions of influence throughout the world. Your life is filled with visions of success.

But failure, well, that's a different subject. And, of course, the term is subjective. And, of course, a tragic flaw is no novelty. It's the stuff careers are made on.

But I'm talking about a different failure. I'm talking about the failure of the Hitlers, the Stalins, the Kaczynskis, the Salieris, the individuals who aspire to greatness, madness, salvation, what have you, but who are thwarted by 'the heroes.'

Yes, there you have a predicament. For what do you call a story with a happy ending for the world, for everyone except the one who 'had it coming.' And, make no mistake, I had it coming. This is not a story of perspective, a story where the evil, the villainous tells its story and in some way justifies it. No, despite what I say, what I do, what I ever so ostensibly believe, there was never a doubt as to the error of my ways.

Never a doubt."

3. "I am not beautiful. I am not talented. I am not intelligent, brave, ethical. Most importantly (or perhaps most consequentially), I am not successful. After all, if I was successful, I might turn out to be smart or courageous or, hell, I'll say it, cute in an offhand, maybe if you were tipsy kinda way. If I was successful, this would be a completely different story. But no. I am not successful. I am, as such distinctions would have it, not much of anything.

Which is to say, much of anything "good." I'm self-pitying. But, really, you would be (are?), too. I'm wry. I'm persistent. If one uses the "tries the same thing repeatedly expecting different results" cliche, I'm insane. And I'm sympathetic. After all, there's some failure in everyone. And if there's one thing I am, it's failure."